Absent Friends

I am getting older now, and I am sure many have lost friends. I lost my best friend. I lost the friend that was by far the most intelligent. That is a pretty profound thing to state when you look at those I call friends. Intelligent all. First of all, I would like to post the lyrics to a song. This is for you my friend, wherever you may be.

Far Behind - Candlebox

Now maybe I didnt mean to treat you bad
But I did it anyway
And not maybe
Some would say your life was sad
But you lived it anyway
And now maybe
Your friends they stand beside they watch you crumble
As you falter to the ground
And now maybe
Your friends they stand beside as you were flying
Oh you were flying oh so high
But then some day people look at you for what they call their own
They watch you suffer
Yeah they hear you calling home
But then some day we could take our time
To brush the leaves aside so you can reach us

But you left me far behind
Now maybe I didnt mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
Now maybe some would say youre left with what you had
But you couldnt share the pain
No, no, no

Couldnt share the pain they watch you suffer
Now maybe I could have made my own mistakes
But I live with what Ive known
Yes maybe we might share in something great
But wont you look at where weve grown
Wont you look at where weve gone
But then someday comes tomorrow holds a sense of what I fear for you in my mind
As you trip the final line
And that cold day when you lost control
Shame you left my life
So soon you should have told me
But you left me far behind
Now maybe I didnt meant to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
Now maybe some would say youre left with what you had
But you couldnt share the pain
No, no, no

Now maybe I didnt mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
No maybe some would say youre left with what you had
But you couldnt share the pain
I said times have changed your friends
They come and watch you crumble to the ground
They watch you suffer
Yeah they hold you down
Hold you down

Maybe brother maybe love I didnt mean to treat you bad
But you left me far behind
Left me far behind
Left me far behind

____________________________________________________
Now I am not going to name his name, but those of you who know me can guess who I am talking about. Some of you may well think, 'Good Riddance.' I can understand that for those who did not know him well. After all, he was an alcoholic bum...right? Yes, he was. Alcohol can do things to people. Yet the choice was ultimately his. After all, he tried to shoot a cop and the turned the gun on himself. (I still have reservations about this version of the events. After all, the dead tell no tales. The officer involved was a participant in other incidents.... But in any case, lets go on the official story.) The choice to pull his weapon was his. I condemn his choices regarding alcohol and his final choice. These things are those that anyone from his and my past knows. Now let me tell you about the man I knew, the one that most of you do not know. The one you never knew existed.

The man I knew was a loyal friend who expected loyalty in return.
The man I knew was a hurt soul wishing desperately for approval.
The man I knew was a student of history and was adept at seeing the trends in current events. He prediced all the things that have come to pass since he died.
The man I knew was a very astute observer of human psychology.
The man I knew was fiercely an individualist who wore his god given rights upon his chest and gave no quarter to those who wished to deprive him of any of those rights.
The man I knew would forgive many things, but betrayal was not among them.
The man I knew had an awesome sense of humor and irony.

So how did so many contradictory things exist in one person? These things were no more contradictory than the varying influences in his formative years. Most of the good came from his grandparents. Most of the bad came from his father. His difficulty in cultivating a romantic relationship came from his parents. I feel bad for his father now. I think his father now is trying to make up for his faults...waiting for an absolution that will never come. The whole thing hurts me horribly.....it never heals.

What failings were his fathers? Easy access to alcohol, disrespect for authority, denial of warmth, denial of approval. What were the failings of his mother?? Weakness. The inability to focus on more than her own pain left from her husband's abandoning of her.

Don't get me wrong. They did things for him. They helped him in their own ways. I don't think either of them ever meant to be cruel. The father should have known better, though. Providing kegs for an underage kid's 16th birthday party is irresponsible....especially one already veering into alcoholism.

I think if his Grandfather could have spent about five more years with him, he would have been fine.

Towards the end, he had started to get frightening. He was enormously strong, and when he was drunk he could get wild. I think back and try to figure what I could have done differently. I know I am not in fault in his death, but I still wonder what I may have been able to do to save him.

In all but fact, he was my brother. His death has left a jagged hole in me that 11 years has not filled. He held my firstborn. I remember him holding her looking at her in amazement and wonder. He bought her a book for her to read when she was old enough. It was, 'Common Sense' by Thomas Paine.

I miss you my friend.